A Bloody Shotgun Wedding
by dorcasdeadowes
Summary: "It's not a bloody shotgun wedding," said Lily, more to herself than James, who was driving the both of them from London to Sowsworth for the wedding. "Definitely not," agreed James, hearing her. "Although, you are pregnant." (AU, sequel to Bloody Shangrila)
1. Not-Pregnant Faces

**Chapter One: Not Pregnant Faces**

"So we're not telling people?" asked James, climbing into the driver's seat of the new red 1979 nine Renault 20 he shared with his fiancée.

"Yes," said Lily firmly from the passenger seat. "Or," she added with great uncertainty, "Maybe we should?"

"We could wait until after the ceremony."

"Say it in a toast?"

"While you're drinking water," said James. "They'll probably have figured it out."

"They probably already know."

"They suspect," corrected James, starting the car and pulling out onto the road.

"It was the first thing Dorcas said when I told her."

"I know, but that's Dorcas, isn't it?"

"Mary asked too."

"Politely though."

"And Angie suggested it," said Lily.

They had had this conversation countless times, ever since James had proposed. They had refuted any question of Lily being pregnant, one which had come up almost every instance of announcing their engagement and impending wedding.

"So if you're not pregnant," Dorcas had said, her belief in the contrary ringing clearly even through the phone, "Then why are you getting married so quickly?"

"Three months isn't all that quick," Lily had retorted. "It's not as though we're getting married next week."

"It's more like two months and that's still suspiciously fast," Dorcas had pointed out.

Lily and James had made the tentative decision to not tell anyone about the pregnancy until their wedding to avoid any assumptions about their motivation to get married.

"It's not a bloody shotgun wedding," said Lily, more to herself than James, who was driving the both of them from London to Sowsworth for the wedding.

"Definitely not," agreed James, hearing her. "Although, you are pregnant."

"Doesn't make it a shotgun wedding."

"And," he continued, an amused smile playing on his lips, "I did only propose to you because it was honourable. I'd never have wanted to marry you otherwise."

Lily narrowed her eyes at James and tried not to show any signs of laughter.

"You're lucky you're driving."

"Otherwise?"

"I'd punch you."

During the three hour drive James and Lily made no less than thirteen decisions with regards to telling people. They first decided that they should, in fact, tell everyone. After all, the baby would be born well within nine months. They then decided to revert to the decision they had begun the day with and not tell anyone so as to not risk putting a damper on the wedding day. They swung between these two schools of thought until, finally, they decided they would tell at least their close friends.

James pulled up outside his father's house, in far better shape since the Dearborns had signed over ownership to Mr. Potter, and began to exit the car. This was when Lily grabbed at his shoulder, getting a handful of jacket.

"You alright?" he asked, leaning back into his seat.

"I don't think we should tell them."

"Okay," said James, nodding in solid affirmation. "Final decision then; no telling anyone. Agreed?"

"Agreed."

They shook on it.

"This is now legally binding," he said.

"It is not," said Lily. "But, we should treat it like it is."

"So prison as a forfeit?"

Lily couldn't help but let out a snort of laughter.

"Alright," he continued, "Time to put on our Not Pregnant faces."

"Easier for you than me."

The young couple unpacked their car as quickly as possible, shivering in the early February midday sun. James' father was there to greet them at the door, taking Lily's suitcase and giving her a warm yet awkward one-armed hug with a quick kiss on the cheek. James received a clap on the back and a ruffle of his hair.

"You can just leave all your stuff at the bottom of the stairs for now. Angie's in the kitchen making the tea," he said.

"Thanks, Mr. Potter," said Lily cheerily and breathlessly.

James followed his dad over to the stairs as Lily vanished into the kitchen. It shouldn't have taken more than a moment for the men to finish this simply task and join the women for tea.

However, Kieran Potter let out a cough which his son knew meant he wanted a quiet word.

"Yeah, dad?" he asked.

"I just wanted a word with you while we have a moment."

Kieran was very deliberately not making eye contact with his son and James was almost certain he knew what was coming.

"Dad," began James softly, saving his father the trouble of finding an appropriate way to quasi inquire into his son's sex life, "Lily's not pregnant."

Kieran breathed a sigh of relief.

"Not ready to be a grandad?" teased James.

"No, just, thank you for not making me ask. Of course, if you were… going to have a baby that would be fantastic news."

And that was the first time James had to actively restrain himself from telling somebody. It was going to be a long day.

The four of them drank their tea with jovial conversation. Lily and James were berated, lightly and a little passive aggressively, for not returning for Christmas.

There were three important reasons for this, the first being that Lily had a doctor's appointment at the end of December, the second that their days off from work had to be saved for the impending wedding, and the third was that it had been their first Christmas in their new London flat. With all the time they had put into decorating the tree with fantastically ugly baubles, draping tinsel over every available surface, and poorly personalised stockings hung on the electric fireplace, it seemed a shame not to spend Christmas there.

Originally the plan had been to go to Lily's mum's for Christmas, it being the first one since Mr Evans had passed away. Unfortunately, Petunia had invited the family to come to hers and Vernon's. Lily had told James she would rather die than spend Christmas Day with Vernon and his poisonous sister. What she did not tell him was that Petunia had not so subtly told Lily that James would be a little less than welcome to join them.

So they spent the day together in London and were happy for it.

But they knew the cost would be complaints from their family and friends back in Wiltshire. They had made their bed and were now going to lie in it.

"Next year, we'll come stay with you," said Lily, reaching for Angie's hand as she did so, "That's a promise."

"Of course you will!" cried Angie. "It'll be my great niece or nephews first Christmas."

Mr. Potter choked on a gulp of tea.

While James smacked his father on the back, Lily said, "Angie, you know I'm not pregnant, right?"

Angie raised her eyebrows and took a long, pointed sip of tea.

Lunch was surprisingly less stressful in spite of all the guests who swarmed upon the Potter house for to eat Angie's cooking and to wish the engaged couple the very best. Many of the guests, including Sirius and Remus, emphasised the fact that their main priority was the lunch. Lily and James being present for well-wishing simply allowed them, in Sirius' own words, to kill two birds with one stone.

Dorcas, Mary, and Jill all took a wildly different stance. Jill kept hugging Lily tightly and excusing herself to the bathroom to cry. Mary and Dorcas largely ignored the food altogether in favour of bombarding Lily with questions about and ideas for the wedding.

"I know Modest Mary over here likes the long skirt, but can I cut mine? My legs are my best feature," said Dorcas.

"If you like," said Lily.

"Cas, who are you trying to seduce at Lily's wedding?" cried Mary. "Just wear what all the other bridesmaids are wearing."

All the other bridesmaids were Mary and Petunia, the latter of which Lily had only asked out of sisterly obligation.

"I just want to look nice," said Dorcas defensively, pouting a little too purposefully to be believed as being genuine sadness.

"Don't worry," called James from across the table, hearing Dorcas' words, "No one will be looking at you."

"Aw that's sweet," said Jill.

Lily leaned towards her mother and said, "He means they'll be looking at him."

"Obviously," replied James.

Lily stuck her tongue out at him to which James responded with a sarcastic blow of a kiss.

"So," said Dorcas, loudly and lengthily to draw Lily's attention back towards her, "As maid of honour."

"I told you I'm not choosing a maid of honour," interrupted Lily.

Dorcas continued as though nothing had been said, "I've made all the plans for your hen night."

"We're gonna wear plastic tiaras and go down the pub?" said Lily.

Whipping her head towards Mary, shoulder-length blonde hair swinging, Dorcas cried, "You told her?"

"This is Sowsworth," replied Mary blankly, "What else would we be doing?"

After a few belated Christmas presents had been exchanged and unwrapped, the group divided in two with James following Sirius and Remus out the front door so that Lily could try on her wedding dress for a begging Dorcas.

James knew where they were going almost the moment they turned left up Hangleton Road.

"Murder hill?" he guessed with a grin.

"Yep," replied Sirius.

"Wait, I thought it was your drinking hill," said Remus shoving his shivering hands into his coat pockets.

"It's multifunctional," said Sirius.

The walk to the hill from James' father's house was noticeably shorter than the walk from Angie's and all three young men were thankful for this, desperate for a drink to warm their bones.

"I can't believe you still keep booze here," said James, watching Sirius sprint up the hillside to the old well.

James himself kept a slow pace so as not to let Remus fall behind. This allowed Sirius enough time to pull up a rusty bucket spilling over with rainwater. Sirius grimaced as he fished around for the whiskey bottle he was soon holding with pride.

"This," he said as though he were beginning a rather important speech, "is the last bottle of whiskey I stole from my dad before I left home. I stashed it here for a special occasion and I can think of no occasion finer than this."

"You sap," teased James.

Ignoring this slight, Sirius simply turned to Remus and asked if he'd brought the glasses. Remus pulled three crumpled plastic cups from the pocket of his threadbare coat and handed them over to Sirius who reluctantly accepted them.

"I did say glasses," he said.

"We're drinking whiskey you hid in a well over three years ago," replied Remus, unfazed, "I think we're past worrying about class."

James and Remus pulled a cup each from the stack and watched Sirius fill each one up with amber liquid before tapping plastic against plastic in silent cheers.

"So," began Remus as James began to down his drink, "Lily is pregnant, right?"

James promptly spluttered a mouthful of whiskey all over Sirius.

As soon as Lily unzipped the bag and revealed her dress to the room, Dorcas said, "Lily that's a pregnant woman's wedding dress."

The other four women in the room gave Dorcas a glare as they tutted under their breath. James' dad had declined the offer to join them in favour of reading a book.

"Cas, I'm not wearing anything flowy right now. Should I expect to somehow get massive in a week?"

"I mean," began Mary, "You might not have known how big you were gonna be when you bought the dress."

"So does everyone hate the dress, then?" asked Lily, a little irritated.

"I think it's lovely," said Jill.

"But it would also look lovely on a pregnant woman," added Angie.

It was more than a relief for both Lily and James to climb into bed that night.

"Thank God we're alone," said Lily, burying her head in the pillows.

"Yeah," agreed James, mindlessly running his knuckles up and down Lily's forearm.

For a moment the two of them were on the brink of sleep, but then James sat up suddenly, a guilty look on his face.

"What's wrong?" mumbled Lily, face slightly obscured by the pillow.

"I almost told Sirius and Remus earlier. I mean, I was really close to telling them," he confessed.

Lily pushed herself up so that she was upright, resting on her knees and facing James.

"I almost told everyone," said Lily.

"I also almost told dad."

"Maybe we should just tell them."

"Yeah."

Both of them fell into a contemplative silence until James said, "No," adamantly. "No, we made a deal. We shook on it."

"Which I thought you understood was not legally binding."

"Doesn't matter. We decided so we've got to stick with it. It doesn't make sense to tell people if we're not absolutely sure, right?"

"Right," said Lily. "Okay."

"Should we shake again?"

"Only if you don't use the dark as an excuse to surprise me with a spit shake."

James' lack of response told Lily everything she needed to know.

"Night, James," she said before falling onto her side and burying her face once more.


	2. An Unmistakable Bump

**AN:** and a year later I update. I'm sorry I love you all!

 **Chapter Two: An Unmistakable Bump**

Lily and James awoke at the exact same moment the next morning. There was a resounding knock on the bedroom door and Angie's voice filled the whole house, "I hope you're getting ready. We leave for church in ten minutes."

James fumbled for his glasses on the bedside table as Lily threw her head back with a groan.

"I'll see you downstairs in five," added Angie before they heard her retreat downstairs.

"I thought she said ten minutes," said Lily.

"I thought I was a grownup who didn't have to go to church," said James.

They dressed themselves clumsily before Lily attempted to run a comb through both of their hair.

"It won't make a difference," said James, yawning as he did so.

Lily mirrored his yawn as she tossed the comb behind her.

"I know," she said. "But I thought if I made an effort Angie might not try to attack you with a brush over breakfast."

"I could wear one of those big hats women wear to church."

Lily looked at James for a moment before saying, "My mum has a yellow one that would suit you."

Breakfast was a quiet affair, Lily and James stuffing their mouths with toast, Angie gulping down tea, and Kieran lost in a newspaper.

Only when they were clearing the table did Angie say, "You two look like you're not used to being up this early."

"Not on a Sunday," said Lily.

"London churches do late services do they?"

"Yeah," said James quickly, uncertain if he was lying or not. "Yeah, the church down the road from us does a second service. That's the one we usually catch," he added, certain he was lying.

"Catch? It's church not the pictures," said Angie, leading the way from the kitchen to the front door where they put on their best shoes before a bitterly cold walk down to St. Albus' Church.

As they walked, Lily grabbed James' arm and pulled him close, using him for warmth while keeping him slightly behind his aunt and father.

"Hey," she whispered, "Are we pretending we go to church?"

"Apparently. I panicked. Maybe it'll add to our immaculate conception story."

"The immaculate conception was Mary. She was perfect from the moment she was conceived."

"So was I."

"Really? What happened afterwards to make you so awful?"

Mary's father led the service as usual, with Mary in the role of verger. She was uncharacteristically good at pretending not to be bitter, it seemed. Though Lily knew the truth was actually quite different.

"It's ridiculous," Mary had complained when she first began working with her father. "Just because I'm a girl I can't be a vicar. But Colin can be?"

Lily wholeheartedly supported Mary's anger over the situation but had learnt to avoid suggesting an alternative career path.

And so Lily and James smiled pleasantly, and Mary smiled pleasantly, and an elderly man in the front row who could not really hear what was being said smiled pleasantly.

But as Lily's attention faded from the Reverend's muffled words and onto the way James' glasses sat, slightly crooked, on his long nose.

Perhaps he felt her breath on his cheek, or caught the movement of her hair out of the corner of his eye. Or maybe just wanted to look at her as much as she had wanted to look at him. Regardless, he turned and met her eye, squeezing her hand as he gave her a true, genuine smile.

He then leaned a little closer towards her to whisper, "You know, next time we step foot in here, it'll be our wedding day."

Lily grew so unexpectedly flustered by this she could no longer meet his eye. Staring up at Reverend Macdonald, she replied under her breath, "Shut up."

He raised their joint hands and kissed her wrist. As this happened, something rumbled in her stomach which might have been morning sickness but definitely prompted a craving for dry rich tea biscuits.

"Lovely service, don't you think?" asked Angie as they joined exiting crowd.

"My thoughts exactly," said James just as Lily said, "It was very early.

Angie looked a little affronted but Lily was too caught up in thoughts of bed and biscuits to realise. Fortunately James, added in an aside, "Lily's just a little irritable today. We're having Sunday Lunch with her sister."

Lily groaned while Angie gave a firm nod of understanding.

"Sorry, Ange," said Lily. "It really was a lovely service; I was just hoping I could sleep through until noon so I'd have less time to worry about seeing Petunia."

They game to a halt on a small patch of grass free from headstones and let the remaining flock pass them by.

Once they'd stopped, Angie reached out to give Lily an affirming back rub and said, "I understand, dear. I don't like calling people names, but your sister is an utter cow."

Lily smiled softly, making to lean into Angie, but Reverend Macdonald had just exited the church and Angie darted over to be the first to compliment his service.

Given that they were about as well dressed as they were going to get that Sunday, neither James nor Lily had a reasonable excuse to not immediately go to her mother's.

"I hope Petunia's not there yet," said Lily. "I need more time to prepare. How does my stomach look?"

"Empty and childless," replied James quickly.

"You didn't even look!"

"It can't have changed from yesterday."

"If it doesn't change a bit every day then that means it'll just suddenly become a huge bump overnight."

"It's too early for you to be this pedantic, Lily, just breath in until dinner. Then you can eat so much you can just pretend its bloating."

"I _am_ hungry. And I suppose if we get there first I could just sit down, tuck right into the table, hide everything."

They did not get there first. Petunia had, as Jill Evans revealed upon opening the door, early that morning with an inordinate amount of luggage.

"Why would she have so much stuff?" asked Lily, squeezing James' arm and already knowing the answer.

"She's staying until the wedding. Says there's no point going to Surrey and back. Not to mention she'll need to resize her dress."

"Why? I got her the smallest size possible," said Lily.

"You'll see," said Jill smugly, "Come in! Petunia's just napping on the sofa but I'm sure she'll be delighted to see you when she wakes up."

"Since when does Petunia nap? Isn't that a waste of time she could use to talk about other people behind their back?"

James let out a snort of laughter which he strategically turned into a fake sneezing fit.

"Who's sick?" came Petunia's voice from the living room, shrill and accusatory. "Don't come in here if you're sick."

Jill eyed James suspiciously while Lily followed her own suspicions and rushed into the living room. Petunia was more relaxed than Lily had ever seen; lying across the sofa with her socks off and feet up, multiple blankets wrapped around or draped across her, and almost every pillow in the house behind her back.

"Lily, you're not sick are you?" said Petunia, holding up a hand as though it had the power to stop Lily from getting any closer.

"No James was just sneezing out of politeness. What's going on?" she asked, knowing the answer.

Petunia smiled with the smugness of a child who had just dressed themselves for the first time as she pulled back the blankets that covered her torso.

There was an unmistakable bump. Not enormous, but Petunia's tiny figure drew further attention to it. From the dozens of pregnancy books James had been reading, and the two she had read herself, Lily guessed she was about four months gone.

"Congratulations," said Lily breathlessly.

"Petunia! You're looking… pregnant," said James.

"He's gonna be strapping like his father," she said fondly, stroking her stomach.

"So it's not Vernon's then, huh?" asked James.

Lily supressed a laugh and elbowed James lightly in the side.

"I forgot how charming you were, James. Where's mum?"

"Checking on the roast," said James

Suddenly a high pitched ringing sounded from the kitchen.

"I'll go see what's burning!" cried James before anyone else could so much as react, running off and leaving Lily alone with Petunia once more.

"Come, sit down," she offered, pulling her feet in just enough room for Lily to almost fit on the end of the sofa.

Giving the tiny space a distasteful and deliberate glance, Lily seated herself in the arm chair.

"So, you wanted to resize your dress?" asked Lily, "Dorcas wants to cut her skirt in half so there'll be extra material."

"Of course she does," sneered Petunia. "Next time bring my dress with you and we'll see. I brought a couple of my own with me just in case."

"In case you were too big for the dress I chose or in case you hated it?"

"Both."

Lily turned her head in the direction of the hall and yelled, "Need any help in there?"

"We're fine," replied Jill. "You two just relax and catch up!"

Reluctantly, Lily turned back to face her sister who had picked up an almost completely empty glass of water and was tipping it back to get the last few drops down her throat.

"Would you like some more?" asked Lily, teeth clenched.

"If it's not too much of a hassle," said Petunia, holding the glass out.

Too happy for the excuse to get away to be offended, Lily did as Petunia commanded.

There was hardly any smoke in the kitchen when Lily arrived; James was frantically fanning any remains of it out of the open window with a tea towel and Jill was scrubbing what looked like a freshly burnt pot.

"Don't worry, darling," she said, seeing her youngest daughter appear, "All the food is fine. I accidentally put the wrong hob on so instead of boiling the potatoes I ended up boiling air."

Jill let out a laugh and James let out a similar, forced laugh a couple of seconds too late.

"I got distracted by your sister. Isn't she glowing?"

"She sure is, Mum," said Lily.

"Did you want me to fill that for you?" she asked, nodding at the glass.

"No rush."

"Nonsense, nothing's too good for my bride or mother-to-be."

James started and accidently slammed the window he had been in the process of closing with a regular amount of force. Lily widened her eyes at him in warning and Jill hummed happily as she ran the tap.

Fortunately for Lily, there seemed to be a lot to do in the kitchen what with the potatoes still being raw and one pot down for the count. Petunia remained alone on the sofa, too pregnant apparently to lend a hand, while Lily and James kept themselves busy.

Unfortunately for Lily, three pairs of hands sped up the process of cooking quite a bit and before she was ready she was sat across the dining room table from her sister without a single excuse to save her.

"So, James?" said Petunia, causing every protective instinct Lily had to flare up, "How did you get a whole week off of work? Vernon won't be coming down until Friday night. The office just couldn't spare him."

"Well, I'm not very important," sighed James with mock sadness, "I'm more of a liability than anything. They were probably happy to get rid of me for a week. Even for something as trivial as my wedding. The real shocker is that they let Lily have the time off. She's the best we've got."

"Oh, yes. I forgot you worked together. How sweet."

"Yeah, we like to spend time together," said Lily.

"Vernon would love to be here, but, as I said, he's too valuable."

"Imagine all the drills that would go unsold," said James.

"The power tool economy would collapse I'm sure," added Lily.

Jill stood up abruptly, crying out, "I'm going to make more gravy."

The remainder of dinner followed in a similarly uncomfortable vein.

Once it was over, Petunia returned to the living room for an apparent much needed rest while Lily and James helped Jill wash and dry.

"Thanks for dinner, Mum," said Lily, finishing off drying the serving bowl James had just scrubbed and handing it to her mother to put away.

"Don't be silly, darling, you did just as much as I did. Besides, it's just nice to have you home."

"Sorry I couldn't help fighting with Petunia."

"Well, it wouldn't feel like a family dinner if you two weren't at each other's throats."

James piped up, "My family dinners were always a warzone. My parents could never agree on which one of them loved me more."

Lily threw a tea towel at James' head, landing perfectly so as to cover his delighted grin.

"Thanks, I needed this," said James, pulling the towel away and using it to dry his soaking hands.

As she looked at her future husband wipe away the remains of a good three hours of cooking and cleaning and felt her heart explode.

"Hey," she said, taking a step toward him, "Before we settle down and watch telly for the rest of the night, there's a few things I wanna grab from my bedroom: something old, something blue, a couple of pairs of socks (I think I under packed).You wanna help me out?"

"I do have the best taste in socks."

Lily's room was just as she had left it upon moving out two years before. This included a couple of piles of clothes Lily had thrown on the floor, deciding they weren't worthy of taking to London; a desk cluttered with unsorted papers, magazines, and makeup that should have been thrown away long ago. There was also a faded cat bed in the corner that Lily looked upon sadly.

"When can we get a new cat?" asked Lily.

"When we've finished paying off the wedding and the car and the baby," answered James in the same way he always did.

"You hated Brutus."

"He hated me!"

"He liked you he just didn't know how to show it."

There was an unmissable and uncontrollable woe in her voice as she spoke which she supposed was why James' arms found their way around her middle, his head on her shoulder, pressing her tightly against his chest, right when she started to cry.

As she leaned back into him, he muttered softly into her ear, "You know I'd go out and get a cat for you in a heartbeat if you really wanted one."

"I do really want one. But you're right we can't afford the vet bills."

"No, but I'm a trust fund kid, I'm sure dad would send some our way so we could rescue a cat."

"I think we should save that money for the baby."

"Lily, my dad is really really rich. He can afford both."

"He's already paying for our wedding. I don't want to take the piss. It's our lives, we should make our own way."

"Well, we'll find room in our budget for a cat anyway. It can watch over the baby while we go out partying all night. We can feed the cat with the money we save on childcare," said James, giving Lily a quick kiss on the temple before releasing her. "So what are we looking for?"

"Oh, nothing. I just wanted to get away from all the pregnancy talk. I mean, did you see how happy my mum was?"

"Lily, you know she'll be just as happy when she finds out about you. Probably even happier because let's face it our baby is gonna be better. So, whenever you want to tell her, even if that's sooner than we planned, and don't tell me you don't want to tell her because I can see how badly you want to, it's gonna be amazing."

Lily sighed and stared down at the dust covered carpet.

"What else is wrong?"

"It's just, I don't know, I was already nervous about what Petunia would say when she found out I was pregnant before getting married, but now it's even worse."

"Why? Because she got pregnant first?"

"Yeah!"

"Lily, it's a baby not a hairstyle, you can't copy it off someone."

"That's not what she'll say."

"Okay that is completely," James began.

"Don't say irrational!" cried Lily, cutting in.

"I wasn't going to call it irrational, Lily! I was going to call it crazy."

"I'm carrying your child, James. You're not allowed to call anything I think or feel crazy. Even if it is crazy."

"What can I call them?"

"Nothing, just tell me I'm pretty and bring me cups of tea."

"You said tea makes you feel sick now."

"I told you to let me be irrational!"

"Okay!" cried James, holding up his hands in surrender, "You be as crazy as you like."

"Thank you."

"You know," said James, flopping down onto Lily's old bed, "We could go down and tell them both now."

"Well, then it'll really seem like I'm copying her," said Lily, joining him.

"We can just tell your mum."

"But then I can't use it against Petunia when she tries to make me do stuff for her just because she's pregnant."

"So we're at an impasse."

"Again."

With a groan, Lily turned and buried her face into James' chest.

"Hey," he said, pulling her closer, "Do you remember when we were about seventeen and we sat here in this room talking about what our babies would look like?"

"Ginger lizards."

"And in just six months we'll be taking home our very own ginger lizard baby."

A smile spread across Lily's face.

"And," she added, "In just under a week it'll be our wedding. I'm really excited. In spite of all the pregnancy stress. And I'm really excited to be a mum, in spite of all the wedding stress."

"Me too," said James. "Except I'll be a dad, not a mum."

"If you're the father that is."

"Well if it's a lizard it's mine. If it's a ball of grease it's Snape's."

Lily leapt away from James, sitting up and pretending to gag.

"Don't worry I'll love it just the same," he reassured her.

The gagging subsided and Lily got to her feet, stretching and giving her stomach an absent-minded stroke. James watched on fondly.

"You ready to go watch TV in awkward silence?" she asked, holding out a hand.

"Always," replied James, allowing her to pull him to his feet.

"You know," said Lily in a low voice as they ventured downstairs, "That's also the room you lost your virginity in."

"No it's wasn't!"

"Really? You could've fooled me."

Then, immediately after saying this, Lily doubled over with such violent laughter she could no longer walk and so James was forced to wait and watch as Lily laughed harder and harder at her own joke.

"You know we're not married yet, I can leave whenever I want," he said.

Lily only laughed harder.

* * *

AN: thank you so much for reading

please review if you have the time 3


	3. The Rules Still Apply

cw: alcohol, vomit, references to sex

 **Chapter Three: The Rules Still Apply**

Sirius was promptly late to every single one of his shifts at the post office.

"You're late," greeted Benjy, as he did every day.

"Fashionably," responded Sirius, as he did every day.

Neither of them had ever found it funny, but it had become a habit. Much like messing around with each other behind the biscuits after closing.

Any meaning to it that might have existed was long gone.

"It's almost like you're trying to work less hours," teased Benjy, tossing Sirius' name badge with the precision of the sportsman he so easily could have become had he desired, "Almost like you don't want the money."

"Shut up. I regret talking to you about anything," said Sirius.

"Have you tried being honest?"

"Of course, I have. It's not that easy, though."

"Have you tried lying?"

If Sirius was to lie right then and there, he'd tell Benjy he didn't find that in the least bit funny. But he did not have the energy to engage with Benjy's so-called wit that morning.

The money he'd inherited from his uncle was already enough for a flat in London; he didn't even need that job anymore. He hadn't told Benjy that much, though, he'd already given him enough hassle.

He'd tell Angie soon.

He would.

The longer he stalled, the bigger the lie became. The moment he came clean, however, it was out in the world, and he'd have to do it.

He'd ask James what to do about it if he wasn't a little bit annoyed James wouldn't just tell him and Remus that Lily was pregnant.

He'd have asked Remus long ago if he wasn't feeling a little upper-class guilt at being able to move away so easily when Remus would be saving for another six months at least, working as many shifts as the pub and his health would allow.

That evening, James on his right (very drunk and incapable of shutting up for a single second about the fact that he was marrying Lily Evans in just two days' time), and Remus serving them (and himself) from behind the bar until they were all, at the very least, a little warm and happy, Sirius decided he wasn't all that annoyed or guilty anymore.

"I'm moving to London," he blurted out, his words slurring a little and weaving their way in with James' own drivel.

"I'm talking here," said James.

"I can't hear you over that," said Remus, nodding at James with fond disdain.

So, he repeated himself.

"How can you afford that? You're always missing shifts!" cried Remus. "Is this some sort of benefit to sleeping with the boss?"

"No! What? No! Benjy hasn't been paying me for sex."

"Oh, good," said James, "Or I'd think Benjy had lost his marbles."

"I'm trying to announce something here," said Sirius, then, voice dripping with insinuation, added, "Unless, you have a bigger announcement, James?"

James laughed, high pitched and wheezy and wafting a great stench of beer towards Sirius.

After this, he leaned forwards on his stool a little, moving the thing with him which caused an awful screech.

He beckoned his friends to lean towards him before stage-whispering, "I'm marrying Lily Evans."

"Alright, that's beyond annoying now," said Sirius, pushing James' face away with a gentle shove.

"It's almost unbearable," agreed Remus. "Now, Sirius, how are you affording London?"

* * *

Lily resented James for being able to drink. He was certainly having a much better time with Sirius and Remus than she was with Dorcas and Mary.

She was running out of excuses not to drink. Especially when there was such deep suspicion already embedded in them.

If it wasn't for her pact with James, she'd probably have just come out with the truth then and there, save the knowing looks and sly smirks.

It might also make it easier to listen to Dorcas going over her hair options for the wedding.

"Why don't we go and meet the boys at the pub?" said Mary, taking advantage of a rare stretch of silence.

"No!" said Lily, fumbling over her excuse, "No, I want you guys to help me try out different styles for my wedding hair."

"Really?" cried Dorcas, almost falling off of The Potter's sofa in her excitement. "What have you brought with you? Do you have your curlers? You know what, let's just go back to mine. I need my supplies.

* * *

James was still out when Lily fell asleep, and when she woke his face was right up against hers, morning breath particularly pungent, and glasses still on.

"James," she whispered softly, while shaking him rough enough to wake the dead.

He groaned in response, opened one eye to look at her, and then rolled to face the other way.

"You stink of vomit," she said, poking the place between his shoulder blades where he was particularly ticklish, "And," she added, just realising this herself, "You're wearing last night's clothes. What on earth did you get up to?"

James let out another groan before flipping onto his back.

The stench rose from his mouth and Lily's already sensitive stomach turned on her.

"If you've gone back to sleep when I get back," she began, allowing his imagination to finish off the empty threat.

Then, half-dressed and barefoot, she pounded down the cold hallway to the nearest bathroom to do her own share of vomiting.

Once finished, teeth and hair brushed, and showered, she unlocked and opened the bathroom door to find James dozing against the doorframe.

He'd managed to get his jeans off, she noted, but he was still in the shirt from the night before, stained by a variety of exciting encounters she was sure.

His glasses sat at a dangerous tilt, close to slipping off entirely, his hair messier than she thought she had ever seen it.

"James," she said softly, smiling in spite of herself.

He jerked awake and managed to both smack his head against the wood and fling his glasses so that they clattered halfway down the hall.

Still, no words escaped him, and he merely let out another soft groan.

"Get in the shower," said Lily.

"Teeth first I think," he muttered, voice hoarse and thick from sleep.

Lily gave a grimaced nod and went about retrieving the lost glasses of the father of her unborn child while he washed the sick out of his mouth and hair.

It was a little over an hour later that Lily finally got the full story.

After breakfast, as they walked silently together down Hangleton Road side by side, James suddenly inhaled deeply and stopped dead.

"What's wrong?" asked Lily, turning on her toes.

"I remember what I did last night."

Lily raised a prompting eyebrow.

"Okay," began James slowly, "Okay, so, in the harsh light of day, I'm not overly proud of this, but in my defence I was very drunk."

"Oh, God," sighed Lily. "Am I going to have to be annoyed at you? I don't have the energy for that."

"Would you rather I not show you?"

"It worries me that it's something you can show me."

"It might not even still be there."

"Where?"

Jams mumbled something under his breath which led Lily two steps closer saying, "I'm sorry, what was that?"

"Snape's driveway."

Lily's eyes turned to daggers.

"What did you do?" she asked through gritted teeth. "Oh, shit, did you piss all over it?"

"No!" cried James. "I'm twenty years old, I don't piss in weird places anymore."

"Well then what did you do?"

"I think I should just show you."

James led the way with a pitiful expression Lily very almost fell for.

Bracing herself for the worst, Lily almost let out a giggle of relief when she was presented with a small bit of graffiti, scrawled in chalk, about the size of an A4 piece of paper. Then, she almost let out another giggle when she read the thing.

Within a very poorly drawn, asymmetrical to say the least, love heart were the initials "J.P" and "L.E."

"In my defence," said James sheepishly, hands in his pockets, not meeting Lily's gaze, "I was really drunk."

"It's terribly drawn," said Lily.

"I never claimed to be an artist."

"What's this bit here?" asked Lily, crouching down so that she might get a better look.

"Be careful. I think that was the last of the vomit," said James.

"It's like you tried to sign it."

"Well, I wouldn't want anyone else taking credit for my masterpiece, now, would I?"

"You're a complete piece of shit."

"That's fair."

"But, it is a little bit funny."

James snorted and Lily shot him a look.

"Oh, come on," said James, "You're the one who said it was funny a literal second ago."

"Yeah, but you're not allowed to laugh. You're also not allowed to drink tonight."

"The stag and hen parties are tonight."

"I know. The rules still apply. And I'm allowed to make those rules because while you were here vomiting on this masterpiece last night, I was busy fending off Dorcas and Mary's offers of alcohol. Not because I wasn't in the mood, but because I am growing our child inside me and that requires some sacrifices."

James shifted his feet and gaze before giving a firm nod.

"Now clean this up," said Lily. "I'm going to go over to Dorcas' because she said we needed at least seven hours to prepare for tonight and I'm going to need a lunch break."

As Lily turned on her heel and began her journey, James called out, "I love you."

She shot him a look over her shoulder which was supposed to be scathing, though it fell apart at the sheepish look on his face.

"Yeah, you too," she said with a heavy sigh. "Get to work."

* * *

James hadn't spent a lot of time picturing his stag night, but if he had, he'd not have pictured it starting at his Aunt Angie's. He'd also pictured a slightly longer guest list. His cousins and friends from London were reasonably reluctant to take a day off work for a night out in a village with one pub. So he was left only with the friends he had made in his days in Sowsworth. Plus Kenneth.

"Hey," said James, keeping his voice as low as possible as he pulled Remus and Sirius to one side, "Not that Kenneth isn't a riot and a half, but which one of you thought it would be a good idea to invite the bride's ex-boyfriend to the stag night?"

"That'd be your best man," said Remus, looking smug, "I told you not to invite him."

"And I told you not to invite Benjy. I had to fill out the numbers otherwise it'll be awkward."

Kenneth's laughter broke through from Angie's living room into the hallway where the three men huddled.

When the noise settled and it didn't appear as though anyone was going to stick their head out the door and beg them to join the party, James said, "I wanted Benjy here. He was one of the guests I actually requested. It's not my problem you're in love with him."

"I'm not in love with him. It's literally just sex."

"Well that's not my problem either. How are we supposed to toast to my future with Lily when a guy she dumped is right there."

"I think Benjy used to have a crush on Kenneth," added Remus as though this might be helpful.

Sirius and James both shot him a glare.

"I mean, if we play our cards right, two birds with one stone," he reasoned.

"That's not a bird I need to kill," said Sirius.

"And what was your suggestion?" asked James, "To spend the night playing cupid with them? They already know each other. What more could we do? Play spin the bottle? I'm not kissing either of you."

"Tonight's gonna be fun," said Remus, taking a swig from the beer bottle in his hand, "We're going into this with a fun energy. James, maybe you'd relax if you had a drink. Sirius, you only have to pretend to relax – it's not your party nobody cares how you feel."

Sirius gave a hollow laugh before stealing Remus' beer and downing it on his way back into the living room.

"I can't drink tonight," said James. "Lily made me promise. Apparently my behaviour last night robbed me of the right."

"Okay, well then let's get Kenneth to give you a massage."

James couldn't help but let out a small laugh. He supposed the most important thing was that Remus and Sirius were there to spend the night with him. Everything else was just scenery.

* * *

I'm sorry this was so short and so late. I don't have an excuse for the late part, but it's short because I wanted to have a whole chapter to focus on the night out.

Thank you all for your patience and support. It literally means the world and I love you all.


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